


Welcome To Riverdale (Podfic and Script)

by HufflepuffBetty



Category: Riverdale (TV 2017), Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Alternate Universe - Radio, Alternate Universe - Welcome to Night Vale Setting, And Archie making a gang was so dumb, And the timeline for Alice Coopers pregnancy?, Audio Format: WAV, Betty Cooper as Carlos, Betty Cooper is Done with all the plotholes, Deal With It, F/F, F/M, Female Jughead Jones, I don't understand Penelope Blossom's values, I needed to write this or I would explode with all the issues that riverdale has, I tried to stay true to both universes, If you want - Freeform, Jason Blossom was an intern, Jughead Jones as Cecil Baldwin, Jughead has a female voice, Pining Jughead Jones, Podfic, Podfic Length: 10-20 Minutes, Radio broadcaster Jughead, Ridiculous, Satire, Trans Jughead Jones, Which weirdly worked???, Why hasn't anyone reported the Sisters of Quiet Mercy?, everything is ridiculous, first fic, i dunno really, i guess, or - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-01
Updated: 2019-01-01
Packaged: 2019-09-28 05:44:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17177021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HufflepuffBetty/pseuds/HufflepuffBetty
Summary: A friendly riverside community where the water is sweet, the town has pep, and the fathers are all murderersWelcome to Riverdale(In which Riverdale and Nightvale combine and I don’t really know what’s going on, but that’s Ok because neither does the show)Podfic and Script





	Welcome To Riverdale (Podfic and Script)

**Author's Note:**

> I was thinking about how ridiculous Riverdale is at this point, and how it could easily be an episode of Welcome to Nightvale, and then this thing kinda just... happened? 
> 
> This would not exist if the amazing and wonderful makingitwork had not thought this would be a cool idea, and then got excited and did all of this wonderful research, and read through my half crazed ideas and helped me out (Now they're only a quarter crazed). She is my co-conspirator in all this nonsense, and I love her.
> 
> Please Please Please don't take this seriously. It's a fic that I had fun making, and wanted to share. This is the first time I've actually written fanfiction, and I'm excited. 
> 
> Music is from the show, I don't own any of this and am not turning any profit, Riverdale producers and Nightvale creators, all of these characters and plots belong to you, I'm just playing around with them.
> 
> Also, I wanted to be the one to read/record, and I also wanted Jughead to be the narrator, sooo jughead has a female voice, deal with it. Jughead can be a girl if you'd like, or trans, or a guy that has a feminine voice. Whatever your little heart desires! The actual reasoning is that I'm antisocial, and decided that the effort of interacting with another human to do the recordings would be more effort than me doing the recordings myself. Although, if there are any masculine voice actors who find this, and are interested, it could be cool to do some sort of multi-voiced podfic? ooh, especially for the fics that jump between Betty's and Jughead's perspectives... that could be cool...
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy!

Audio Version Here: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1gYk40H2IxgDZk6aPPf4jH06z3mk7Pp5d/view?usp=sharing

Script:

A friendly riverside community where the water is sweet, the town has pep, and the fathers are all murderers

Welcome to Riverdale  
Hello, listeners.  
To start things off, I’ve been asked to read this brief notice:  
Mayor Mccoy announced the opening of a new Dog Park at the corner Pickens street and 2nd Avenue, near Ralph’s “soup kitchen. She would like to remind everyone that dogs are not allowed in the Dog Park. People are not allowed in the Dog Park.  
It is possible you will see Black hooded figures in the Dog Park.  
Do not approach them. Do not approach the Dog Park.  
The fence is electrified and highly dangerous. Try not to look at the Dog Park, and especially do not look for any period of time at the Black hooded figures. The Dog Park will not harm you.  
**************************************  
Jason Blossom, former intern for us here at the Riverdale Register, has been found. As you’ll remember, He went missing under mysterious circumstances last July, after a “fishing accident” according to his twin sister, Cheryl Blossom. I’m sure the Blossom Family is pleased by his return. He returned dead, rotting, and with a bullet through his forehead, but Beggars can’t be choosers. Not that the Blossom family, who have a monopoly on maple syrup, drugs, old creepy houses, and twins, are beggars. But I’m sure they are happy for the return of their dead son.  
In a press release, Penelope Blossom stated:  
“Incest and familial murder is normal and natural. I was raised as a sibling to my husband before we married. My son fell in love with his cousin before my husband murdered him. Most sexual deviancy is fine. I myself make a steady income from various clients who want unusual things.  
All that is fine, but you know what? I draw the line at my daughter being in a loving and healthy relationship with a girl. That’s just unnatural. Being gay is not real. I myself have never been gay or had any gay thoughts, especially of our lovely Mayor McCoy.”  
It is unclear what exactly Mrs. Blossom was trying to convey, but Her daughter, Cheryl Blossom, calmly responded by burning down their home.  
Ah, those Blossoms. What a happy, wholesome family.  
On a slightly related note, please welcome Dilton Doiley as our new intern! His obsession with survival seems to have kept him alive so far, but with this new game he’s playing, well, let’s just say the workplace betting pool doesn’t have much hope for him.  
************************************  
A new woman came into town today. Who is she? What does she want from us? Why her perfect and beautiful ponytail? Why her perfect and beautiful pastel sweater? she says she is a journalist. Well…we have all been journalists at one point or another in our lives. But why now? Why here? And just what does she plan to do with all those typewriters, old computers and printing presses in that lab she’s renting – the one next to Pop’s Chock Lit Shoppe?  
No one does a milkshake like Pop’s chocklit Shoppe. No one.  
************************************  
Archie Andrews, Resident 20 something pretending to be 16, has decided to start a friendly neighborhood gang, under the guidance of one ex criminal Hiram Lodge. As a fellow 20 something pretending to be a 16 and soon to be gang leader, I figure I might give Archie some advice:  
-Gangs are fun for the whole family, and a great place to hang out. Make sure to invite all of your fellow teenage middle class friends into your gang.  
-Don’t worry about your age as a gang leader. You’re a main character, so any threats of leadership change will result in you building allies and leadership skills.  
-Don’t worry about legalities. You are white and middle class and male and unfortunately straight. When you do go to jail, it will be for a false crime you were set up for and never committed.  
***********************************  
And now a note from one of our sponsors, The sisters of Quiet Mercy:  
Are you having difficulties with your child? Are you or your daughter Pregnant? Have a gay child? Have a daughter who is trying to solve some murders and is asking too many uncomfortably perceptive questions?  
Ship them off to the Sisters of Quiet Mercy!  
There they’ll engage in invigorating activities like social isolation, pointless manual labor meant to gas light, and finger painting the gargoyle king!  
We’ll keep them nice and drugged up on experimental candies so that you don’t have to deal with them, and we have a convenient source of income.  
No matter how many human rights violations we make, no one will shut this place down and save the mysteriously large number of girls in our dubious care.  
The Sisters of Quiet Mercy: It’s a mercy everyone has stayed quiet about our medieval practices!  
***********************************  
Mayor McCoy would like to remind you about Griffins and Gargoyles, and the levels of ascension. The reminder is that you should not know anything about this.  
The structure of G&G and the organizational chart are privileged information, known only to the specific parents of key teenage main characters on a need-to-know basis. Please do not speak to or acknowledge any Gargoyle kings that you may come across while wandering “Fox Forest” or at Riverdale High school. They only tell lies and do not exist.  
Report all Gargoyle king sightings to the City Council for treatment.  
***********************************  
That new journalist – who we now know is named Betty – called a town meeting. She has a three freckles on her jaw, and eyes like a stormy ocean. Her hair is perfect, and we all hate, and despair, and love that perfect hair in equal measure.  
Nana Rose somehow wheeled herself in and brought corn muffins, which were decent, but lacked salt. She said Toni had taken her salt to fight the Sisters of Quiet Mercy, and she hadn’t gotten around to buying more  
Betty told us that we are by far the most plot-holed community in the U.S., and she had come to study just what is going on around here. she smiled, and everything about her was perfect, and I fell in love instantly.  
***********************************  
And Now for a little Biology lesson: Pregnancy. Pregnancy can be hidden for months by wearing crop tops constantly and playing a role-playing game. Need to tell the father, but don’t know how? Don’t worry, let him ignoring you once mark that he will never listen to you, then proceed to make out with him repeatedly during previously stated role playing games. After you find your principal murdered, hang out with an unsuspecting jock, wait over the summer into ctober, before having an argument with him, disclosing the key information to the actual father, then live in a homophobic church to have and abandon your child in. No one will notice.  
As we know, Riverdale operates in the cohort system. You are only allowed to interact with and marry people in the same cohort. Additionally, your cohort must all spawn at the same time, despite vastly different life experiences. Some members are allowed to jump the gun, or additionally have a child later, but allllll must spawn once within the same year. Your children then will all be within the same cohort and will find mates within that cohort. Any worries about potential inbreeding should not be raised. Inbreeding is Normal.  
*********************************  
In other news, The Black Hood, your friendly neighborhood serial killer with family values, has come out to say that he supports abortion rights. He believe in the right of every man to make their daughter or girlfriend get an abortion of a fetus that is uncomfortable for that man. It’s not exactly pro-choice, but ya know, he’s making an effort.  
**********************************  
A commercial airliner flying through local airspace disappeared today, only to reappear in the Riverdale high school sports field during Football practice, disrupting practice quite badly. The jet roared through the filed for only a fraction of a second. And before it could strike any players or structure, it vanished again. This time, apparently, for good.  
There is no word yet on if or how this will affect Riverdale’s Bulldogs game schedule, and also if this could perhaps be the work of their bitter rivals the Greendale Ravens.  
Greendale is always trying to show us up through fancier uniforms, magical explanations for their plot twists, and possibly by transporting a commercial jet into our sports field, delaying practice for several minutes at least.  
For shame, Greendale. For shame.  
*********************************  
Betty, perfect Betty, interviewed Toni Topaz today, and has declared that Toni is suffering from Romantic Interest Side-lining of a queer variety. The formerly spunky, independent, fierce, lower class bisexual woman of color seems to have lost any and all individuality in place of being Cheryl Blossom’s love and support.  
While Choni is a beautiful, apparently healthy relationship, one must wonder if Toni has lost her autonomy to merely be a background love interest. She no longer seems to have any plots for herself, and is seen constantly at Cheryl’s side.  
When I asked Betty what might have caused this, she shrugged her perfect shoulders and with a swish of her perfect ponytail, said: “Heteronormitive sloppy writing.”  
********************************  
Friendly reminder from the Riverdale Register, to those parents, you know who you are: FORGET. Forget everything about each other's past. Forget everyone’s past personalities and public scandals. Forget that Random Twin who will show up once the other one’s dead. Forget Alice Cooper’s Bad Girl lifestyle before dating Hall Cooper and disappearing for a few months.  
Forget Town History such as gruesome murders and founding families splitting off after murdering a sibling.  
None of this can be recorded or verified. No yearbooks or newspapers can be found.  
We made sure of that.  
********************************  
Local Teenage Veronica Lodge has opened a speakeasy. It seems to be filled with fake alcohol and dependent on teenagers in far too fancy of clothes with far too much money and spare time on their hands. On a quick personal note, where are you teenagers getting all your money and clothes? How are you all dressed so iconically and are constantly able to afford pops?  
Additionally, as soon as the speakeasy has been set up, it seems to have been turned into a private meeting location for scheming instead of an open business.  
********************************  
And now a note from one of our Sponsors, Blossom Maple Syrup company:  
Buy our maple Syrup! It’s delicious, locally sourced, and rarely contains trace elements of the drugs we traffic using the barrels of our maple syrup.  
Also, buy drugs from us. That’s our actual source of income. Buy our drugs.  
Blossom Maple Syrup: Our Hair is as Red as the Blood on Our Hands  
********************************  
Betty, perfect and beautiful, came into our studios during the break earlier but declined to stay for an interview. She had some sort of blinking box in her hand covered with wires and tubes. Said she was testing the place for “plot holes”  
I don’t know what plot holes she meant but that box sure whistled and beeped a lot. When she put it close to the microphone it sounded like, well, like a bunch of baby birds had just woken up. Really went crazy.  
Betty looked nervous. I’ve never seen that kind of look on someone with that pastel of an outfit. She left in a hurry. Told us to evacuate the building. But then, who would be here to talk to sweetly to all of you out there?  
Settling in to be another clear night and pretty evening here in Riverdale. I hope all of you out there have someone to sleep through it with. Or, at least, good memories of when you did. The night is far from over.  
Goodnight, listeners. Goodnight.  
Today’s proverb: Look to the north. Keep looking. There’s nothing coming from the south.  
************************************************************************************************************************************

**Author's Note:**

> Okie dokie folks, thank you for reading/listening! I hope you enjoyed it.
> 
> If you comment, my day will absolutely be made! Kudos are also highly appreciated.
> 
> If you want to hang out with me, my tumblr is hufflepuff-betty! I don't bite!
> 
> okay, you can go back to your actual lives now. 
> 
> Love you.


End file.
